From “Love Games” by Lady GaGa

“Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.”

Nothing could make my penis go flaccid faster than hearing a woman refer to it as a “disco stick.” Proper nicknames may be any of the following examples:

Lightening Rod, The Hammer, The Beast, Python, etc.

Ms. Gaga, I would love to play a “Love Game” with you: it’s called “erotic asphyxiation,” but you are the only one who is going to get choked.

From “So What” by Pink

“The waiter just took my table and gave it to Jessica Simps” AND

“Check my flow *bizarre grunt noise*”

Jessica Simps? Seriously? Say it with me now: Jessica SimpsON. Good! Lazy bitch.

And I’m going to assume that since Pink is a woman and clearly cannot rap, she is referring to her period when asking the listener to “check my flow.” I politely decline. I would rather not be face-to-gaping hole with her saber-toothed snatch.

From “You’re so Vain” by Carly Simon

“You‘re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you”

Correct me if I’m wrong Carly, but presumably you wrote this song about a certain person, and you wanted to express to this individual that they are indeed, vain. At what point does the subject of the song change? Who is the song actually about? Is there a person literally named “You” somewhere? No, there isn’t, because the words would then need to be “You is so vain, I bet You thinks this song is about you.” In such a case, You wouldn’t be vain because You believes the song is about someone else. Well I have have something to say to you Mrs. Simon:

“You’re so dumb, I bet you think this post is about one of your songs.”

What’s that? You don’t get it? Well that’s because this post is about one of your songs and how it makes no fucking sense.

From “Battlefield” by Jordin Sparks

“Why does love always feel like a battlefield?”

Such a deep lyric. Especially coming from a nineteen-year-old girl with no combat experience.

I might need to add to this list, but I’m out of time.

Over the past several years, we’ve had many films with ridiculous movie plots. Some of these films have been massively popular and others quite lame, but the absurdity of their premises deserves to be pointed out:

Terminator Salvation

This dude needs to save this kid so the kid can go back in time and nail the dude’s mom, thereby conceiving the dude, so the dude can grow up and save his father and the world from machines with the help of a former cold-blooded killer.

Transformers

Vehicles turn into alien machines made up of 10 times the amount of metal used in the original vehicle to fight other massive alien machines over a cosmic Rubik’s cube called an AllSpark–not to be confused with AllSport.

AllSpark : Alien Energy Source

AllSport : Human Energy Source

Revolutionary Road (Also known as Worst Fucking Film Ever Made)

Two individuals, a male and a female, with very high opinions of themselves and their “potential” are completely insatiable regarding any detail in life and the female whines about everything imaginable until she whacks herself trying to abort her unborn child.

Benjamin Button

This guy is born as a tiny old man and progresses and regresses in size and mental capacity to become a tiny baby within a normal lifespan. At no point does he feel suicidal.

The Taking of Pelham 123

A “brillliant,” former Wall Street working, sociopath and his team hijack a subway train to instill fear and effect market gold prices all while offering some sort of twisted therapy to Denzel Washington (no matter who he portrays, all you can see is Denzel Washington). Innocent travelers are murdered in front of other travelers, but apparently the witnesses are unaffected by traumatic events and throw a small party when the train comes to a halt just in the nick of time.